Create Space

I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote recently, primarily because I’ve been struggling with the subject matter of late, and I tend to over-obsess on things I struggle with. But as I have spent the past couple weeks thinking on this, I have developed some thoughts that I would like to share.

These three simple sentences contain within them the ultimate key to success and freedom.

There is nothing else. That’s it.

Let me explain.

To state the obvious, we can’t control what we can’t control. In fact, if you think about it, there is very, very little that we can control. The world happens around us, things happen to us, and the only constant is change. Actually, the only thing that we can control is our response to stimulus.

And- for being the only thing that we can control, the majority of us, (myself included) do a very poor job of controlling it. It is one of the primary things that makes us different than dogs or any other animal. When you yell at a dog and step toward it in a threatening manner, it doesn’t stop and think “you know what, he’s had a long day, I bet he just needs to blow off some steam. I’ll let him get this out of his system and then we’ll go back to watching tv”. No! the dog cowers away or immediately removes itself from the situation. (side note, I don’t yell at my dog like this, just currently lacking adequate analogies to convey my point).

When something happens to us, before we react, there is a split second of processing. Our brain, in the blink of an eye, processes what just happened and tries to develop a response. Unfortunately, for the very large majority of us, this space is incredibly small. We act out impulsively or reflexively before the brain can chime in (at this point I’d like to clarify that my language is probably wrong. The brain always tells you what to do so maybe it’s the conscious that doesn’t get to chime in? Either way you get my point, don’t be that guy).

It’s almost as if that space doesn’t exist at all. When we realize that all our growth and freedom exist in that space, to be told that, for most people, it is nearly non-existent, is depressing (world record for using commas in a sentence right there).

Fortunately, you can widen that space. The first step is acknowledging it. You really need to focus. At first you won’t be able to detect it. For example, something will happen to you.

Say a stranger comes up and smacks the iced tea you were holding out of your hand and into your face. In this moment, the space doesn’t exist for most people. Again, there is a split second where the brain tries to process that a stranger just smacked your drink out of your hand and once that task is complete, before the brain can move onto how you should react, your body says “don’t worry smarty-pants, I got it from here. I’m gonna punch this stranger right in their mouth”. And then we begin with our response. The space barely got a moment of spotlight.

After you acknowledge that there is a space, you can work on identifying it and then lengthening it. Next time people are slapping your drinks or whatever, try to pause. At first it is incredibly difficult because we have developed our bodies to react in a fight or flight mode. I’m not a scientist but I am guessing that way back when (probably before like the fax machine even) cavemen and women didn’t have time to identify a sabre tooth tiger (arguably the coolest animal that has ever existed) and think “That looks dangerous, we should think about how we want to respond to this situation” they just started running.

We don’t live in those times anymore. Very rarely in every day life are you faced with a true fight or flight situation. Instead it comes in more monotonous forms like receiving upsetting news, being cut off in traffic, or having your iced tea slapped out of your hand by a stranger. In all of these cases, it is possible to create pause between the stimulus and response where the space lives and THINK (for God’s sake just think, ALWAYS THINK).

Think about how you should respond, not what your body is telling you. So much of our tendencies are reactive rather than proactive. When we react in any ol’ fashion, we lose our freedom and growth.

Viktor Frankl was in the Holocaust (arguably worse than the aforementioned iced tea slapping incident) when he realized this idea. The only thing that the Nazi’s couldn’t take away from him or any other Jewish person was the one thing we can control. Our response to any stimulus. It was the one freedom he had left, and they could never take it from him. It can’t be taken from any us. So, we shouldn’t be so quick to give it up.

Learn to pause and acknowledge that space the next time a stimulus happens to you that spurs a sudden response or reaction or emotion. Exercise your autonomy and control how you respond. With practice that space grows wider and is more easily tapped into. With that, your freedom grows, and you become a better person.

Always Think, Never Settle